The Greatest Tragedy in Human History

Today I experienced the greatest tragedy in human history.  I’m just going to come right out and say it.  I burned bacon.  I burnt it bad.  Black bacon made me cry.  I think of all the potential in that bacon…wasted.  A strip of bacon is a terrible thing to waste. I understand if you can’t forgive me, but I need you to know that I need your support right now.  I’m feeling broken, and I’m not sure I can go on…

Snark of the Day – June 29, 2017

Growing up, the major milestone that I wanted to hit was to be better at basketball than my dad and my older brother.  That day would be the day I became a man.

With my own sons, I’ve discovered that the paradigm has shifted.  The goal now is to humiliate your father at a video game.  To that end, I’ve been emasculated by my sons and nephews at Halo, Call of Duty, Super Smash Bros., Injustice, and our newest tool to strip away Dad’s dignity, a game called Arms for the Nintend0 Switch.  Arms, for those of you who don’t know, is a fighting game where all the characters have super-extend0, Inspector Gadget arms.  This allows you to have a boxing match where your fourteen year old son can humiliate you from all the way across the screen as well as close up.  It’s wonderful.

I’m not even sure my kids know what to do with a basketball…

Snark of the Day – June 27,2017

Jack-of-All-Trades

Someone called me a Jack-of-All-Trades today. I’m not sure that this a compliment.  Inherent in this title is the implied second half of that well known phrase – “Master-of-None.”  So, basically someone said to me, you are passably good at a lot of stuff, but not very good at any of it.  “Thanks for being mediocre.”

The irony here is that I am fairly certain that I am exceptional at being mediocre.  One might even say, I’m a master at it. 

Snark of the Day – June 26, 2017

Movie Reviews – Who Do You Trust?

Reflexively, most of us say that we don’t care what reviewers say when it comes to movies, but can we trust what our friends say either? After all, these people paid good money to buy their movie ticket.  The last thing they want to do is admit that they blew their hard-earned cash on a steaming stinker, right?

So who do you trust for movie reviews?  Personally, I resign myself to the fact that I just wasted 15 bucks (or $100 if I take the family) the moment I buy my ticket.  Best case scenario then is that I am pleasantly surprised when a film isn’t terrible.  I console myself by scarfing down copious amounts of Sweet-Tarts which have been scientifically proven to make any movie at least one full letter grade better than it actually is.

Snark of the Day – June 23, 2017

So where I live there is a leash law.  If you leave your yard your dog has to be on a leash.  Twice today I saw someone walking their dog where the dog was leashed but the person was not holding the other end of the leash.

I think there is some sort of spirit-of-the-law versus letter-of-the-law debate to be had here, but frankly, I am too disappointed in humanity to make it.

Snark of the Day – June 22, 2017

While driving today, I came across a post office truck parked along the side of the road with its blinkers on while the carrier was out delivering snail mail.  Nothing out of the ordinary.

However, beside the mail truck, a garbage truck decided that this also was the perfect spot to stop in order to collect the garbage.  I’ve not got vehicles two-deep in front of me with their blinkers on out into the road – this is a two lane inner city road.

To top it all off, a city transit bus, then also decides that this exact spot is the perfect place to drop off its riders.  So directly in front of me, now blocking both lanes of traffic are a postal truck, a garbage truck and a city bus, none of which thought that parking either in front of or behind the other was a good idea, but parking directly beside each other was the perfect choice.

Are you KIDDING me?

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